2. Healthy as a Bear

A message roughly similar to this song is found in the book None of These Diseases, by S. I. McMillen, M.D. Please practice good personal hygiene, isolation, and social distancing wherever possible until we’re done with this coronavirus thing. I’m a survivor of another virus: polio.

If you're allergic to sin and susceptible to right,
If you're infected with a grin and you're limping in the light,
If you're coming down with gratitude for all God's love and care,
Then you're fit as a fiddle and as healthy as a bear.

If your smile is contagious and you're breaking out in song,
If you're outraged at the outrageous and react against the wrong,
If you're sensitive to feelings and you tend to chronic prayer,
Then you're fit as a fiddle and as healthy as a bear.

They say that laughter does good just like a medicine,
And though you weep now, your joy need never end.
Since Jesus died, we can have a vaccination;
Because he lives, we can all be on the mend.

If your attitude is critical, as sometimes it may be,
Then when someone criticizes, you should take them seriously.
Take the bitter pills with patience; learn to love, forgive and care.
You'll be fit as a fiddle and as healthy as a bear!

© 1978, Dan Eumurian
www.LaCrossePiano.com

3. FREE

The late Dr. Charles M. Horne of Wheaton College Graduate School told us in Theology of Salvation class:

Historical Fact: Christ died and rose from the dead.
Theological Reason: To forgive our sins and make us right with God.
Ethical Summons: What are we going to do about it?

I adapted his teaching into the following rap/poem:

It's a solid Fact of history:
Jesus lived, died, arose.
The Maker stepped into the game,
Took our side against our foes.

Common sense demands it--
The facts are clear to see.
Faith understands it
And acts accordingly,

And we are FREE!

The Reason was forgiveness--
The love that brings salvation.
He paid our sin taxes,
Bought our justification.

With him when they nailed him
To die upon the cross
Were all the ways we've failed him;
He pulled victory out of loss,

And we are FREE!

All this doesn't matter
Unless it moves the heart.
There must be an Encounter
For the healing work to start--

The Holy Spirit's working
To strike the waking chord,
Causing us to turn and follow,
Calling on the Lord,

And we are FREE!

Then comes the Expression
Of humble gratitude,
For reaching down to save us,
To cleanse us by his blood.

We look for ways to thank him
By serving him and others,
Praising him and sharing
With our sisters and brothers,

And we are FREE! 

Fact, Reason, Encounter, Expression,

FREE!

Thanks to Dr. Charles M. Horne.

© 2013, Dan Eumurian
May be shared freely without changes.
Please credit Dan Eumurian at www.LaCrossePiano.com

4. If We Suffer We Shall Reign

I was going thru some tough times personally when I was a student at Wheaton College Graduate School back in the 1970s. I wrote this song based on a faulty translation of the Greek word hupomenomen, which really means "endure." Even so, the song was meaningful both to me and to a fellow student. I’m not saying we should desire suffering, but this may offer some meaning and perspective for the suffering we humans have to face.

Don't take away my suffering,
Don't take away my pain
If you see that I need it,
For if we suffer, we shall reign.

Won't you take me with you
As far as we can go?
Keep me walking your way,
And help my heart to grow.

(Spoken) Lord God, You know all about me. You know about my lack of organization and self-discipline, and about my pride. You know about the good things, too, and about the great potential that I have, and that everybody has. But when I don't live up to my responsibilities, when I try to get away with doing something I know to be wrong, when I don't listen to You and to other people, in big things or in little things, it insults You--and it really messes up my life. Forgive me, Lord, because of what Jesus did. Help me to realize that since Christ took my punishment on Himself, my suffering is not punishment, but the teaching of a loving heavenly Father. Please, Lord, don't give up on me. Help me thank You for the suffering; help me obey You, and help me love.

Teach me from the Bible,
And from my brothers too;
Teach me from my living,
And what I'm learning, help me do.

(Spoken) And Lord, when I get through the hard times, when I've learned to be more of the kind of person You want me to be, when I'm one mile farther along, help me remember that You were always there, and that all of the challenges and difficulties You brought my way or allowed me to get myself into, and all of the times You disciplined me, were part of Your perfect and loving plan for me. They gave me a clearer view of Your infinite wisdom and Your flaming glory. And they brought me closer to my brothers and sisters, where I can understand and comfort and help them, as You helped me.

Don't take away my suffering,
Don't take away my pain,
Till You've achieved Your purposes,
For if we suffer with Jesus,
With Him we shall reign.

© 1975, Dan Eumurian

5. Hog Heaven

Spirit possession, or nonpathological or pathological religious possession, also at times called trance and possession disorder, is at least under discussion in the scientific community. Such a case is described in Mark chapter 5, Matthew 8, and Luke 8 in the Bible. A man in the country of the Gerasenes or Gadarenes is possessed by a large number of demons. The man comes to Jesus, who commands the demons to come out of him. The demons beg Jesus to let them enter a herd of pigs. Jesus gives them permission, and the pigs run down a steep bank and drown in the sea. Here’s a little fiction depiction based on that account. I’m aware that many people have religious or other objections to the eating of pork. I intend them no disrespect, but wish to make the points that God considers people to be even more important than pigs, and that people sometimes behave more badly than do pigs.

Just off the streets of gold in Paradise is a secluded back alley called "Hog Heaven." The divine swine sit around sloshing in the mud and swapping stories about their mortal existences. One brags, "I was ham for Ken Ham!" (Ken Ham is a late date creationist with whom I have huge disagreements. I wrote a two page response to a talk he gave at the La Crosse Center years ago, and he has yet to reply to it.) Another squeals, "I was bacon for Sir Francis Bacon!" (Sir Francis was a thoughtful Christian and father of the scientific method.) A third says, "I took good care of myself and died of old age."

Then an old pig grunts softly, "One day Jesus came to the country of the Gerasenes. There was a man there who had an unclean spirit and was living in a cemetery, crying out and gashing himself. Jesus came along. The demon--or actually demons--begged him to let them go into us swine. Jesus did so, and the demons ran us down a steep bank into the sea. So we helped Jesus set a man free."

All the other porkers ooh in awe, and raise their glasses of sanctified swill in a toast to this hero of Hog Heaven.

Not long after the event recounted by the old hog, Jesus defeated Satan and the demons once and for all by dying on the cross for the sins of every piggish human being. All they have to do is come to him for cleansing and "pig herding," and someday they'll dwell with delight in the great Sty in the Sky. The party starts now!

© 2019, Dan Eumurian.

6. The preceding story reminds me of my song about Junior the Pig, His mother scolds him, "Junior mind your manners! You're acting like a people again." Junior’s foibles included overeating and food wasting, laziness, abandoning the inner city for the suburbs, and financial mismanagement.

On May 12, 1985, Jim Lehrer of the McNeil-Lehrer News Hour on PBS, now simply called the News Hour, hosted a documentary about gentrification. Gentrification is the opposite of the flight to the suburbs. Rich people move back into the inner city, kick out the poor, and build expensive condominiums for themselves. According to Lehrer, a certain real estate developer, in collusion with the New York City government, did exactly that. That real estate developer went on to become President of the United States. Lehrer’s report was entitled “Where Will I Live?” In view of the back and forth nature of the two social problems, I wrote a song called "Yo-Yo" as a follow-up to “Junior.” Here are the lyrics to the two songs, both of which are on my “Farm Country” CD.

Junior Mind Your Manners

Junior Mind Your Manners, you're acting like a people again!

Every evening we're hearing your "Gimme more for dinner" blues song,
And you're stretching your stomach, not just eating enough to get along.
But you take more than you can stuff. That alone is bad enough,
But when other pigs are hungry and you waste a half a pail,
Something's wrong.
Junior Mind Your Manners, you're acting like a people again!

**When you go to the neighbors to help 'em with their rootin', you're blue.
And you ask them for raises, more than any decent porker would do.
But you don't mobilize your girth; You're the laziest on earth.
You get paid more than you're worth,
And you think you've got it coming to you.
Junior Mind Your Manners, you're acting like a people again!

You weren't happy in the city, so you took your paydirt and moved out.
Though they needed you there, you didn't care
And you just looked down your snout.
Now you've got mud up to your chin. You won't let the others in.
You keep "peopling" the puddle,
And you hardly know what friendship's about.
Junior Mind Your Manners, you're acting like a people again!

You enrich your style of living with no thought about our balance of trade.
You put your profits in your pockets and your industry gets government aid.
And now your head is getting fat--Borrow cash for this and that.
But the bubble's going flat;
Pretty soon the piper has to be paid.
People lift your standards, start living for the Savior today.
You're gonna face your Maker someday.
You're gonna face it; Better embrace him.
People lift your standards, start living for the Savior today.

© 1981, Dan Eumurian, on "Seek Peace" album;
© 1986, Dan Eumurian/Come Thru Music Co., BMI, on "Farm Country" album.
www.LaCrossePiano.com

*This verse is a general comment and not a personal criticism of any individual. I am around 25 pounds overweight and have wasted food.

**This verse refers to corrupt union bosses who reportedly priced American labor out of the market back around the 1960s, and to workers who would reportedly drink alcohol during their lunch time. See, for example, "Wednesday Car," by Johnny Cash.

Yo-Yo***

You left the city's hub just like a greased pig.
You headed for the suburbs where you leased big.
The poor took up the slack in tenement sties,
But now you're going back to make the rent rise.

'Cause you're a yo-yo. You're a yo-yo.
You're going for a spin and you're doing people in 'cause you're a yo-yo.

You think that you're the gentry and you're worth more,
And so you post a sentry at your front door.
Now the low-class way of living you attack hard,
While you throw a higher wall around your back yard.

'Cause your a yo-yo. You're a yo-yo.
Got to keep the poor away till it's time to make them pay
'Cause you're a yo-yo.

(Instrumental break)

Atheistic evolution is a bad guess,
But you're practicing "survival of the fattest."
Though the Lord will lift you high if you are humble,
If you're living in a lie you'll take a tumble,

Just like a yo-yo, a silly yo-yo.
Don't be a yo-yo, no no no yo-yo.
Don't be a yo-yo, a silly yo-yo.

© 1986, Dan Eumurian/Come Thru Music Co., BMI
www.LaCrossePiano.com

***The use of this term is in no way meant to criticize or demean the wonderful Duncan® yo-yo children's toy, or the famed cellist Yo-Yo Ma, or any other person or object named "Yo-yo." It refers to people who, following Merriam-Webster's Dictionary, "...fluctuate from one extreme to another." My song "Junior Mind Your Manners" talks in verse three about the flight to the suburbs, in which some wealthy people abandon the inner city.

Not every case of the flight to the suburbs or of gentrification is negative. It can be quite necessary or even beneficial, but as implied by Mr. Lehrer's title, when it is practiced without regard for its impact on individuals and families displaced by the process, it can, I believe, be harmful. More about that real estate developer who became president can be found on the Public Policy page.

7. Top Quotes from Donald’s Favorite Book

The following is a message I sent to Donald Trump's website and Facebook page and my Facebook page on January 16, 2017. I’ve also sent him an expanded version of “Top Ten Quotes,” which I would be happy to share with my readers on request.

Mr. Trump, the Bible on which you will take your oath of office has some words for you:

1. He that rules over men must be just, ruling in the fear of God. Second Samuel 23:3. King James Version. 

2. Don't talk so much. You keep putting your foot in your mouth. Be sensible and turn off the flow. Proverbs 10:19. Living Bible. 

3. From everyone to whom much has been given, much shall be required. Luke 12:48 New Revised Standard Version.

4. The king gives stability to the land by justice, But a man who takes bribes overthrows it. A man who flatters his neighbor is spreading a net for his steps. Proverbs 29:4-5. New American Standard Version.

5. For lack of guidance a nation falls, but many advisers make victory sure. Proverbs 11:14. New International Version.  

6. The King will reply, "Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me." Matthew 25:40. New International Version.

7. For God so loved the world, that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish, but have eternal life. John 3:16.               

8. Live Armadillo (See my YouTube channel by this name)

I've been on both sides of the political aisle. In early 1968, when I was sixteen years old, I was on the executive committee of the Monroe County Young Republicans. Former Vice President Richard Nixon, who was campaigning to become President in his own right, spoke at the Mary E. Sawyer Auditorium in La Crosse, Wisconsin. I partook of the meal, went up afterwards and shook Mr. Nixon's hand, got his autograph, and took his picture.

Mr. Nixon, however had not addressed a burning issue current at that time. North Korea had captured the US spy ship USS Pueblo on the high seas, and was holding the ship and its crew in Pyongyang harbor. I followed the California native out the back of the auditorium and yelled out, "Mr. Nixon, what can we do about the Pueblo NOW?"

Nixon made his way through the crowd and explained to me, "We can't just steam into the harbor. The North Koreans would kill our sailors. What we can do is put pressure on the Soviet Union and have them put pressure on North Korea."

This diplomat, who would become our 37th President, bring the Vietnam War to a controversial conclusion, open relations with the People's Republic of China, and later resign from office, said to me, "Good luck, fella." Then he got into his limousine and rode off into history.

Around ten years later, having finished my bachelor's degree in music education at Kent State University and my master's degree in theological studies from Wheaton College Graduate School, I was hired by the Kickapoo Valley Association History Project, in southwestern Wisconsin, as a researcher-writer-interviewer. One of our accomplishments was the publication of Kickapoo Pearls magazine. After the project ended, my friend and fellow musician Dan Kerr, who would engineer half of my first album, "Seek Peace," and the song "Dark Horse," encouraged my to write some advertising jingles. I wrote a little jingle about the valley, and the KVA board licensed it from me and hired me to help bring tourists into what one reviewer called "the wilderness campground of the Upper Midwest." My supervisor, Mr. Karl Kaap, became a good friend. Karl was an active Democrat, and I was invited to run for Vernon County Register of Deeds in 1982. Our "Team for a Change" lost the election, but I became active in the Democratic Party, eventually serving on the Third District Executive Committee.

Around 1986, I was a Wisconsin delegate to the Democratic Agriculture Council Policy Workshop in Des Moines. I met Jim Hightower, who had been the Texas agriculture commissioner, and is a nationally known progressive and populist speaker and author. One of his books is titled There’s Nothing in the Middle of the Road but Yellow Stripes and Dead Armadillos. Years later, I had the pleasure of talking to Jim again via a National Public Radio call-in show. I said, “Jim, I’m a live armadillo. I’ll go to whichever side of the road I think I should.” He replied, “That’s okay.” In 2016, I met Jim again. He was here in La Crosse, Wisconsin, campaigning for Myron Buchholz, who was running against long-time incumbent US Representative Ron Kind in the Democratic primary. I interviewed Jim on video about the Trans-Pacific Partnership, a trade deal being pushed by Obama and Kind that would reportedly have jeopardized American jobs and sovereignty.

I'm not currently a member of any political party. I see my task as sitting in the middle, challenging both sides, and trying to build bridges. As I write this in September of 2020, former vice president Joe Biden is challenging incumbent president Donald J. Trump. Since I just quoted (above) a song criticizing Mr. Trump, I see it as only fair that I give similar treatment to the Democrats with a piece I wrote back in 2012 which I believe still carries some weight, since former president Barack Obama would undoubtedly have considerable influence in a Biden administration.

9. If, for Barack Obama (With apologies to Rudyard Kipling)

If you'd be more proactive as a leader
With Syria, Libya and Iran,
Make Wall Street banks account for what you loaned them,
Consider single payer as your plan,

Don't force your will on religious institutions,
Make contraception coverage a choice,
Believe in God more than the people's goodness,
Don't heed the European bankers' voice,

Don't borrow to give anyone a tax break,
Unless it's to create a US job,
Don't let yourself be pushed around by Russia
(Though Putin may be rougher than a cob)

Respect both sides on abortion and gay marriage,
On energy be sensible and lead,
Don't overburden medical providers,
Cut regulations companies don't need,

Give us a challenge just as JFK did,
Leave talking points behind, speak from the heart,
Call out the GOP for their obstruction,
But in their program find the solid part,

Don't be obsessed with middle class assistance,
Help working poor and job creators too,
I'll offer my regrets to Governor Romney,
And I'll be glad to cast my vote for you.

© 2012, Dan Eumurian

(2015 note: In "2016: Obama's America," conservative filmmaker Dinesh D'Souza, whose important observations should not be silenced by his personal moral failings, noted that President Obama had allowed radical Muslims to overthrow dictators in a series of Arab countries, replacing one bad situation with an even worse one. This was before the President's premature, in my opinion, withdrawal of US troops allowed vicious extremists to take over hard-won territory in Iraq and to metastasize to other countries.)

10. Everything He Touches Turn to Love

In the spring of 1976, I was on my bike, returning from delivering a late paper to one of my instructors at Wheaton College Graduate School, Professor Emeritus Dr. Walter A. Elwell. I was struck by an idea, but by the time I got back to my room, all I could remember was that I had forgotten something really important. I flopped down on my back on my bed and tried to let my mind unwind. I fell asleep, one of my housemates came in, and the thought came back to me: “Everything he touches turns to love.”

I grabbed a piece of paper and began to write. I finished around two verses of a song lyric, and threw the paper in a drawer. Two-and-a-half years later I found the paper and finished the song. I included it on my first album of original songs, entitled “Seek Peace,” which I published in 1981. The line "He is the lifting of the curse, the undoing of the Fall," comes from Genesis, by Derek Kidner, published by Intervarsity Press, and is used with their permission. The song uses figurative language, as does the Bible on occasion, as explained in several books by retired Professor Emeritus Leland Ryken of Wheaton College.

He formed us with his mighty hands,
Gentle hands, so many years ago.
He made us to be friends of his,
Governors in his kingdom here below.

There was no shame or anger there, and no reason to be bored,
For new discoveries helped uncover the glory of the Lord.

The work and play and humanness
Made the earth like heaven above,
‘Cause everything he touches turns to love.

But the people soon rejected God,
Following an illusionary gleam.
They lost their close relationships,
And the solitude was a nightmare, not a dream.

He took them from the tree of life so their sin would not live on,
And now we suffer and try to recover a part of what has gone.

But with the pain, the promise came
Of a Liberator strong.
The touch of God can right the deepest wrong.

Then one day at the proper time,
The Promised One, the Savior came to earth.
His life and death and resurrection rescued us
And informed us of our worth.

He is the lifting of the curse, the undoing of the Fall.
In him, forgiveness and life eternal are offered now to all.

So let him cleanse and fill you now;
For his hand you be the glove,
‘Cause everything he touches turns to love.

‘Cause every day he touches, and every life he touches,
And everything he touches turns to love.

© 1981, Dan Eumurian, dba Come Thru Music Co., BMI,
on “Seek Peace” album.

The imagery of God being a “Hand” and human beings being “gloves” fit perfectly with something I learned later at Wheaton. Dr. Elwell knew me well enough that he suggested a title for a master’s thesis: “Analogy and Paradox in Austin Farrer.” Dr. Farrer had been a philosophical theologian at Oxford University, and was said to have come the closest of any British thinker to having a complete system. In his second major book, Freedom of the Will, he suggested that God runs the universe in roughly the same way that a hand “runs” a glove. The hand cannot be seen, but the glove might say, in the words of a great song by Bill Anderson, “I Can Do Nothing Alone.” Humans have the freedom to choose whether to be “cleansed and filled” and be responsive to God’s inspiration, or to resist and rebel..


11. Playing Catch

I hope all of you had or have someone in your life who you could play catch with. That's one of the many good memories I have of my dad. Over the years I graduated from an awkward child-sized glove to a pretty decent one. Dad and I would also play catch with a football. I could have been in the jazz band at Sparta High, but I chose to be a statistician for football and basketball. Even in jazz band, though, the principle of playing catch applies, since one musician can't play the solo part all the time: You have to let go.

Polio hit me early and hard. I was only ten months old, just starting to pull myself up to coffee tables and window sills to try to walk, when I contracted the dreaded viral disease. I was misdiagnosed by our family doctor and almost burned up with fever. I couldn't keep water down orally. Something jogged Mom's memory to the fact that the large intestine absorbs water. She would give me a cool enema every half hour. I didn't lose a drop. The doctor later said that this procedure probably saved my brain and maybe even my life.

My budding ambulation was interrupted, though. When I got home from the hospital, I reached for my walker, thinking that if I could just "get behind the wheel," everything would be fine. When my legs still didn't work, I reportedly refused ever to touch the walker again. I became a little fighter--and stone thrower. It was me against the universe, and the universe had better look out! Once I accidentally hit a friend's mom in the belly with a piece of gravel.

It took until my third year of college for Dad and God to get thru to me that I wasn't in this alone. Dad had me read John 10:27-30 in the Bible. "My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life and they will never perish. No one can take them from my hand. The Father, who is greater than all, has given them to me, and no one can take them from my Father's hand. I and my Father are one."

I knelt down in Dad's study and said, "Lord, I want to be your sheep."

It wasn't much of a throw, but Jesus caught the ball, and the game was on.

I've had other issues of letting go over the years. The spring semester of 2006 was difficult. I was studying counseling at Winona State while tuning pianos, substitute teaching, volunteering in a mental health support group, and trying to keep my first marriage together. For three weeks I couldn't let go and have a bowel movement. I failed one course at WSU--all of my other grades were A's--and dropped out of the program. My wife left me, finalizing her divorce two years later.

I'm a hoarder. I'm reluctant to let things go, because I might need them sometime. I have too many books and papers. Sometimes I'm reluctant to give up control

Doctors Harville Hendrix and Helen La Kelly Hunt are a husband and wife team who teach counselors. They've produced a CD series called "Receiving Love." Harville once said on Wisconsin Public Radio that the one thing that will make a person grow more than anything else is a committed relationship. We need to give and receive love.

Scientists say that the chance of our universe even existing is like the chance of throwing a dart across the entire known universe and hitting a quarter-sized bullseye on the other side. Yet we're here. God hit the bullseye. But to do so, he had to let go of the dart.

God let go of more than that. He threw his Love to a little manger and an old, rugged cross on our tiny planet in the wild hope that we would catch it, hold onto it, and share it with each other, and throw it back to him.

Game on?

12. Many years ago I heard the term “mere creationism” and somehow found the American Scientific Affiliation. I’m happy to have been a member and promoter for a long time. I was brought up believing in six 24-hour day, late date creationism and argued with my earth science teacher in eighth grade. By the time I took Intro to Biology at the University of Wisconsin-La Crosse, my views had changed. Dr. Phil Sparks asked the class members who believed in creation to go to one side of the room, and those who believed in evolution to go to the other. He and I were the only two in the middle.

Someone has said, “truth can afford to be generous.” I would humbly suggest that it can afford to be humorous as well. The following two poems, along with "Evolve Me, Jesus, were published in the Summer, 2016 edition of God and Nature magazine.


A Tree Fell in the Forest

I apologize to non-piano technicians for the technical jargon in this poem. Pm me at hope4you (at) centurytel.net if you'd like explanations of the piano parts referenced here, or for information about my musical play "Three Piano Mice (or, Sharps and Flats Forever)." I love to talk about pianos and how they work! Bartolomeo Cristofori, harpsichord keeper for the prince of Florence, Italy, is credited with inventing the piano, first called "gravicembalo col piano e forte" ("harpsichord with soft and loud") around 1698. I've made a few changes since this was published.

A tree fell in the forest one bright and sunny day.
You’d never guess the wonders that occurred upon its way.
This maple had been seasoned; it splintered as it dropped,
For it hit an oak and pine and spruce before it finally stopped.
The other trees were split as well, in scores of keen-edged parts.
The way they chanced to land produced an awe-inspiring start.

The maple turned to dowels, whippens, flanges, cores and jacks.
The spruce produced a wide, thin sheet, with square posts at its back.
But some of that rock maple split in several sheets as well--
Fine, quarter-sawn, with curving bridges long and short, I tell.
The pine flew into eighty-eight precisely angled keys,
With holes in front and middle to admit the forest breeze.
It must have been a thin-sheet day, because that mighty oak
Was layered into fine veneer as quickly as it broke.

But tragedy occurred as that great tree fell from the sky.
A horse and elephant and sheep had happened to walk by.
The elephant lost both its tusks, and on it traveled, maimed.
The horse was killed; its hide flew off; the friction turned to flame.

The blaze turned iron ore to screws and springs and pins of steel.
Enough was left that from the flow a flat plate did congeal.
The hide glue, wool and felt worked, in an eon or a nano,
To form the mighty instrument we call today “piano.”

Some prattle of Cristofori and say I’ve something missin’.
Did that tree ever make a sound? Well, maybe—if you listen.

© 2016, rev. 2020, Dan Eumurian, La Crosse, WI
www.LaCrossePiano.com

13. Lord Random
For this I apologize to the writer of the old British poem "Lord Randall," one of many favorites of my late mother, Adeline S. Eumurian.

“Oh where have you been, Lord Random my son?
Where have you been, my handsome young man?”

“My dear Mother Nature, I’m poisoned and ill,
For humans have squandered their precious free will!”

“Oh where have you been, Lord Random my son?
Where have you been, my lucky young man?”

“I’m at the casino. Their chances are greater
Than of all this existing without a Creator.”

© 2016, rev. 2020, Dan Eumurian, La Crosse, WI
www.LaCrossePiano.com
God & Nature magazine is a publication of the American Scientific Affiliation, an international network of Christians in science: www.asa3.org

14. Batter Up

There's Ignorance in left field, Hypocrisy in right,
Apathy in center, spoiling for a fight,
Pride, Greed and Violence, Shame and Evil all around.
They've got the bases covered, and the Devil's on the mound.
Batter up!

Materialism doubles, but is tagged out in a steal.
Humanism pops to short--it doesn't see what's real.
Morality is safe at first, but can't advance.
Superstition swings away, but doesn't have a chance.
Batter up!

Who will lead the rally? What will be the cry?
Where are all the heroes? How can we know Why?
The fans are getting desperate; the Head Coach is ignored.
When will people realize the answer? The answer?

The game's as good as over; the Closer's throwing strikes.
Half the team is giving in, hanging up their spikes,
When off the bench, a quiet Voice says, "Fellas, could I try?"
He stretches out, stands in, and looks the Pitcher in the eye.

In hateful recognition, the Hurler winds to start.
All he's got is on the ball; he aims it for the heart.
The Batter's down. He's up! on base! Takes second, third, the trip!
The Bender has been broken' he's lost his deadly grip.

Now Hope is coming to the plate; Justice is on deck.
The stadium rocks as Righteousness and Liberty connect.
Truth and Beauty single; Grace and Mercy take ball four,
And back again, the Star drives in the pennant winning score!

Who will lead the rally? What will be the cry?
Where are all the heroes? How can we know Why?
Someone picked the lumber up and blew the game sky high!
Someone picked the lumber up and blew
The game
Sky high!
Batter up!
Play ball!

© 1995, Dan Eumurian, dba Come Thru Music Co., BMI
www.LaCrossePiano.com

One night in 1995, my wife and I were going to bed. I told her, "Everything seems to be going wrong. I think the devil is throwing curve balls at us." Suddenly I asked myself, "What could Jesus do with a curve ball?" I grabbed a piece of paper and began to write.

Shortly afterwards I called the Milwaukee Brewers and told them I had written a baseball poem. Their chaplain, Rev. Ralph Mierow, gave us his tickets to a game. We went to a large room underneath the stadium. Rev. Mierow told the approximately 25 players and coaches, "God is your Number One Critic. He's watching you not just when you're on the field, but during batting practice, when you're with your family--all the time. But he's also your Number One Fan."

Then I read "Batter Up." I remember that Brewers legend Robin Yount, half of the famed "The Bat Man and Robin," was there. Star first baseman Kevin Seitzer told me, "There's more than just human inspiration in that poem."

We went to the stadium. It was my first (and so far only) major league baseball game. We were in the mesh-covered area behind home plate. We met a man named Bobby who had played for the Milwaukee Braves. I bought a Brewers sweatshirt.

That day the Brewers broke a five game losing streak and beat the Baltimore Orioles, including Cal Ripken, Jr. In the ninth inning, as the last Orioles player was up to bat, the crowd was on its feet clapping in rhythm. The umpire found a pitch that was close enough to be called a strike, and the game went into the record books. In the link below, you’ll see that five-game losing streak, followed by a win.

http://www.baseball-almanac.com/teamstats/schedule.php?y=1995&t=MIL

Contact me at hope4you@centurytel.net for permission to reproduce this poem and story.

15. Bilk

Around 1981 I was at a picnic. I had brought milk and another gentleman had brought beer. I looked at the beer and the milk and wrote "Bilk," which was also inspired by David Frizzell's hit "I'm Gonna Hire a Wino to Decorate Our Home." Seven months after I wrote the song, the Wisconsin state legislature began debating whether milk or both milk and beer should be the official state beverage. Being shy and retiring by nature, I invited myself to be invited to testify at three hearing at the state capitol. I received local and statewide news coverage. Channel 27 in Madison took me to a farm and had me sing in front of a herd of cows. Then the Associated Press did a national story on the radio and in newspapers, and Paul Harvey News & Comment mentioned me as well. That show was reportedly carried around the world on US Armed Forces Radio. The song is on my first 45 rpm record and on my "Farm Country" CD. I was told by Stansfield Vending that it was the favorite song on the jukebox at a little bar on the Wisconsin River. I understand that there are mixed opinions regarding beverages.

The milk from our old cattle isn’t selling very well.
It’s so hard to get drunk on it and have a tale to tell.
Our dairy operation would soon be doing fine
If milk would bring the kind of price that beer gets all the time.

CHORUS 1
We need to feed some crazyweed to our little dairy herd,
Take almost all the nutrients from the yogurt and the curd.
We’ll please the big beer drinkers and tip our hats to milk
If we can get those dairy cows to start producing Bilk.

Let’s say Bilk is the thing to drink for those in a factory.
We’ll take their money while we cut their productivity.
We’ll advertise at filling stations, grocery stores and games.
If accidents and crime occur, of course we won’t get the blame.

We’ll make folks freeze in wintertime, in summer make ‘em sweat,
Deteriorate their driving skills and give their homes a threat.
Their throwaway containers can litter up the road,
And while they’re in the hospital we’ll let taxes bear the load. (To CHORUS)

CHORUS 2
We need to feed some crazyweed to our little dairy herd,
Take almost all the nutrients from the cheddar and the curd.
We’ll please the big beer drinkers and tip our hats to milk
If we can get those dairy cows to start producing Bilk.

We’ll Bilk folks when they celebrate and Bilk ‘em when they’re blue.
We’ll Bilk ‘em till they can’t remember what they’re here to do.
Beclouding of the thinking and damage to the brain
Might Bilk our country bad enough that they’ll join our sweet refrain:

CHORUS 3
We need to feed some crazyweed to our little dairy herd,
Take almost all the nutrients from the ice cream and the curd.
We’ll please the big beer drinkers and tip our hats to milk
If we can get those dairy cows to start producing Bilk.
If we can get those dairy cows to start producing Bilk.

Words and music by Dan Eumurian.
© 1983, rev. © 1986, Come Thru Music Co., BMI, on “Farm Country” CD

16. Jingle Bells, Smoking Smells

A day or to ago, I thought I’d take a smoke.
My face turned red and green, and I began to choke.
My friend said, “You’re grown up! Come on and gimme five!”
I said, “You dudes can have this stuff; I’d rather stay alive..” Oh,

REFRAIN
Jingle Bells, Smoking Smells,
Robbin’ all your wealth.
The penguin kicks the cancer sticks,
Or the joke is on his health. (REPEAT)

Dashing thru the snow was a breather having fun.
Lagging far behind was a smoker who couldn’t run.
The smoker stopped to rest, called to his friend and said,
”I don’t care how they advertise; I’d rather not be dead.” Oh,…

This Christmas you can give a present to yourself.
It doesn’t cost a dime; we simply call it health.
Forget the nicotine, the chemicals and smells.
Let car exhaust and chimneys smoke while you sing “Jingle Bells.” Oh,…

Lyrics © 2011, Dan Eumurian, dba Come Thru Music Co., BMI,
on “Censored by a Cigarette” CD and songbook.
www.LaCrossePiano.com

17. My Body
(Tune": “My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean”)

I’m flicking the ash out the window.
I’m flipping the butt on the street.
I’m sucking the smoke in my body,
And hoping my kids won’t repeat.

REFRAIN
Bring back, bring back,
Oh bring back my body to me, to me.
Bring back, bring back,
Oh bring back my body to me.

My body was feeling quite frisky.
I thought I could conquer the world!
I gave it tobacco and whiskey;
Then I got addicted and hurled. (BLEAAUGHH!)

My body said, “Try marijuana.”
Excited, I told it, “You bet!”
I think there was more to this ballad.
(Spoken) But, duuh, I forget!

My body said, “Let’s try some vaping.”
My friend said, “It won’t hurt a bit!”
I learned of the trap it was shaping
The day I attempted to quit.

Lyrics © 2011, Dan Eumurian, dba Come Thru Music Co., BMI,
on “Censored by a Cigarette” CD and songbook.
www.LaCrossePiano.com

18. Won’t Stop Respecting That Self of Mine
(A response to “Can’t Help Lovin’ Dat Man o’ Mine,” from “Showboat”)

Don’t need a boyfriend, don’t need a date.
Don’t need a girlfriend to make me feel great.
Wont Stop Respecting That Self of Mine.

Heading for college, got me a job.
Smoking and bingeing? Nosirree Bob!
Won’t stop respecting that self of mine.

If you want my heart, here’s how you can start::
Show me your commitment will be mine,
And worth my time.

You can have fakers, you can have frauds.
Them and me both? I don’t like the odds.
Won’t Stop Respecting That Self of Mine.

Lyrics © 2011, Dan Eumurian, dba Come Thru Music Co., BMI,

19 Poetic Justice 

When my Yugo is demolished
by Rush Limbaugh in a Ute,

Or fats and lack of exercise
dispatch me cold and mute,

If an icy step propels me
to a fate that some call death,

I wonder what awaits me
just beyond my final breath.

If the atheist and skeptic
are correct in what they guess,

There'll be nothing left of me--
except a small, entropic mess.

But if there is a karma
or a judgment when I die,

Just think of all the matchups
in that land beyond the sky.

The heavy footed driver
who cuts off his hapless prey

May lag behind an oxcart
on a one-rut, muddy way.

The builder who cuts corners
just to see the profits coming

May get a drafty mansion
full of rats and leaky plumbing.

The talk show host who crudely
jokes about Indianapolis

May catch it from the One who says
that idle words are serious.

The scientist who uses God's great laws
to get her mixes right
But shuns the Maker
may get hit for violating copyright.

And I will surely be assigned
a somber, lonely cell

To ponder for eternity
the reasons I'm in hell.

But wait! Someone arises
to speak in my defense--

An Advocate, a Substitute
surpassing common sense.

He'll stand to welcome me
in mercy to my glorious home.

Poetic justice frees you
when you know who wrote the poem.

Copyright 2020, Dan Eumurian, www.LaCrossePiano.com

20. Thank God I’m an Atheist

One of my most unforgettable professors was Dr. Bob Dyal. I took “Intro to Philosophy” and “Aesthetics” (philosophy of art) from him at Kent State University in the mid-1970s. Dr. Dyal called himself a “former evangelical.” He had gotten his master’s degree at a theologically conservative school, but abandoned biblical Christianity to become a “panentheist—:someone who believes, according to Oxford Languages, in “a doctrine which identifies God with the universe, or regards the universe as a manifestation of God—” but rather believes that God is in everything. Dr. Dyal believed that Jesus “became” the Son of God through radical obedience. In any case, I with the big mouth and scant philosophical background, constantly argued with him in class. He was gracious enough to let me do so. One day I suggested that if someone claimed to know absolutely that there was no God, they would be claiming that they had all knowledge, and consequently saying that they themselves were God. The professor responded, “You’re not going to use that argument on me, are you?” Not only did I allow that I would—I wrote a song to that effect, which included a few more humorous jabs at unbelief: Note: regarding Verse Two, I watch TV, but on occasion I see hypocrisy on it. For example, a news report may talk about child abuse, but a sitcom on the same channel may portray a child being exposed to “adult” situations in what I might consider to be an exploitative and propagandistic way.

REFRAIN
Thank God I’m an Atheist,
That I know that no one knows it all.
And I hope and pray that I stay this way.
I’m an atheist, thank God!

Now the Christians complain of what we teach in school.
They have no leg to stand on for their kickin’.
We all know that religion was invented by man,
And the egg was invented by the chicken.

There are too many hypocrites who go to church.
They milk you for money all the time.
So I’ll bet at the bar, smoke and watch TV;
To the cancer fund I’ll give a dime.

The Bible is full of contradictions.
I think I’ll just leave it on the shelf.
The worst one is when it contradicts me
When I want to be God for myself.

I can’t shake the evidence of beauty.
An Artist is obviously implied.
I don’t like its corollary, duty,
So I’ll set the evidence aside.

Thank God I’m an Atheist
Till I’m close to death.
I’ll repent on my deathbed—
Unless I run out of . . .

Thank God I’m an Atheist—
Trust none but the true.
Except for my Savior and Lord,
I’m and atheist—Thank you!

21. Crazy

I kind of grew up on Paul Simon. I remember studying his lyric "The Dangling Conversation" in tenth grade English class. When his album "Still Crazy After All These Years" came out, I wrote a bit of a spinoff poem:
Dan Eumurian Piano Service  

Crazy 

It was crazy that he'd leave
His cosmic kingdom far away 
For political oppression, 
Moral, spiritual decay. 

It was a crazy way of coming,
In both the poverty and shame, 
But salvation was his mission
And "God With Us" was his name. 

It was a crazy kind of teaching 
He proclaimed throughout the land,
For his message was God's reign.
The pure in heart would understand. 

It was a crazy way of working, 
Healing people by his word 
To deliver Satan's prisoners 
And show that he was Lord. 

It was a crazy way of living: 
All the proud he was above, 
But he dined with thieves and prostitutes 
And showed forgiving love. 

It was crazy, being judged 
By the self-righteous of his day, 
And "convenience over conscience"
Is oppressing still today. 

It was crazy, how religious frauds 
And government conspired, 
But the best-laid plans of Evil
Brought the cleansing God required. 

It was a crazy way of dying, 
With our loneliness and grief, 
But he prayed for those who killed him, 
And brought home an honest thief. 

It was a crazy Resurrection: 
Nature yielded to the Son,
And five hundred people witnessed, 
God approved what Christ had done.  

It was a crazy kind of power 
The obedient received, 
And their loving lives were showing 
They'd been right when they believed. 

It was a crazy kind of teaching 
He proclaimed throughout the land,
For his message was that God is King 
Of every person, time, and thing.
It makes some people want to sing!
The pure in heart will understand. 

The pure in heart will understand. 

(c) 1978 and 2024, Dan Eumurian 

This poem was rejected by the literary magazine of a Christian college, but was broadcast on a national Christian radio show. 

Dan has been a Registered Piano Technician in the Piano Technicians Guild, Inc. since 1986. He offers expert piano tuning, regulating, repair and cleaning, as well as sales and installation of the Piano Life Saver humidity control system. To schedule a piano tuning or other service, fill out the form at www.LaCrossePiano.com, email him at djeumurian@gmail.com, call or text him at (608) 790-8863, or call him at (608) 788-8637, which is also 78-TUNER. When he's done, the kids will want to see the inside of the piano and help him play a song. Ask about premium quality Charles R. Walter pianos or Casio or Yamaha electronic pianos and keyboards.           

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