1. Healthy as a Bear
   
   If you’re allergic to sin
   and susceptible to right,
   If you’re infected with a grin
   and you’re limping in the light,
   If you’re coming down with gratitude
   for all God’s love and care,
   Then you’re fit as a fiddle
   and as healthy as a bear!
   
   If your smile is contagious
   and you’re breaking out in song,
   If you’re outraged at the outrageous
   and react against the wrong,
   If you’re sensitive to feelings
   and you tend to chronic prayer,
   Then you’re fit as a fiddle
   and as healthy as a bear!
   
   They say that laughter does good
   just like a medicine,
   And though you weep now,
   your joy need never end.
   Since Jesus died,
   we can have a vaccination;
   Because he lives,
   we can all be on the mend.
   
   If your attitude is critical,
   as sometimes it may be,
   Then when someone criticizes,
   you should take them seriously.
   Take the bitter pills with patience,
   learn to love, forgive and care.
   You’ll be fit as a fiddle
   and as healthy as a bear!
   
   (c) 1978, Dan Eumurian
   
   *This is not a commentary on the vaccination controversy, even though I believe that if the polio vaccine had been invented a few years earlier, it could have saved me from a lifetime of physical disability. It’s to say that, if you will, Jesus “killed the sin virus,” and if we accept him into our hearts as our Lord and Savior, or Leader and Forgiver, we have the power to resist sin, whether it be sin of omission—failing to do what’s right, or sin of commission—doing what’s wrong. It’s also been said that thru the blood of Jesus, believers are freed from the penalty of sin and the power of sin, and will someday be freed from the presence of sin.

2. My Teeth Got Run Over by a Toothbrush
(with apologies to “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”)

My teeth got run over by a toothbrush
Right after a party Christmas night.
People say that Rudolph’s nose was shiny.
They should see my teeth all shiny white.

I’m afraid that refusing to take proper care of my teeth was one way in which I rebelled against God/the world for the loss of my ability to walk normally. Please don’t make the same mistake!

3. Famed folk singer Paul Simon had a song on his “Still Crazy After All These Years” album titled “Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover.” Here’s my version, in tribute to my dear friend Eric “Way” Sayward, who passed away on January 20, 2022. Eric told me that two things quieted the noise in his head: being close to God, and alcohol.

Fifty Ways to Love Your Liver
Lyrics by Dan Eumurian, in tribute to
Eric J. “Way” Sayward
Music: “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover,”
by Paul Simon

It tries to filter out the poisons from your blood,
And you show appreciation by imbibing too much suds,
So consider, lest it fail you
and they plant you in the mud,
There must be
Fifty Ways to Love Your Liver.

Admittedly it makes cholesterol and bile,
But it serves a healthy purpose,
irregardless, all the while.
If you guard it, I assure you
it will always make you smile.
There must be
Fifty Ways to Love Your Liver.

REFRAIN
Just cut out the malt, Walt. Lay off the forty, Gordy,
            Don’t drink the cider, Johnny.
Just break yourself free.
            Skip the tequila, Sheila,
Turn down the whiskey, Jack,
            Nyet to the vodka, Boris.
Just break yourself free.

            If liver cancer and cirrhosis are your thing,
            Then I beg your pardon
and apologize for what I sing,
            But if maybe, what the ads omit
has caused a bell to ring,
Then think of
            Fifty Ways to Love Your Liver.

4. Saddam and Gomorrah
Lyrics by Dan Eumurian
Music by Eric Sayward

Four thousand years ago there was a city called Sodom, Full of lust and violence and really hitting bottom.
Its neighbor had rejected
the commandments of the Torah*;
Judgment by fire destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah.

 Now there lives a tyrant caring nothing for the decent; Civilian human shields have been his guests of recent.
A military giant is sitting off his shore, a
Nation once great that has become a new Gomorrah.

Saddam and Gomorrah, going to war—
Who’s the Great Satan? What’s in store?
Saddam and Gomorrah, going to war.
What’s it all for?

Our President wants no one profiteering from the crisis, Except the rich, who pay low tax
and cut our farm prices.
We won’t conserve energy, even though we can,
While we fight for cheap oil for the Germans and Japan.

Our soldiers take the heat
and drink water that is poor fare;
Cigarettes poison them with chemical warfare.**
“An eye for an eye” will never set us free;
We need to start with us; I need to start with me.

 We can be forgiven thru Jesus,
Or try to say we have no fault.
We can move forward as the salt of the earth,
Or just be a lot of pillars of salt.

“Oh beautiful for heroes proved
In liberating strife,
Who more than self their country loved,
And mercy more than life.
"America, America,
May God thy gold refine,
Till all success be nobleness,
And every gain divine***."

© 1991, Come Thru Music Co., BMI

Footnotes:

*Intentional anachronism

**A tobacco company offered to give free cigarettes to American soldiers during the war.

***From "America the Beautiful," by Katharine Lee Bates and Samuel Ward

5. Free as a Bird

Soaring down a side street, booming out a country beat,
Showing off my Chevrolet,
My girl said I couldn’t quit smoking so I’m proving it
Easy to do as to say.
I could stop at the drop of a hat;
It’s really not a chore.
I’ve as good as son it, because I’ve done it
Forty-five times before.

REFRAIN
Nicotine patches, I buy ‘em by the batches,
Got ‘em on my arms in rows,
Cheek full of smoker gum, chaw in the other one,
Snuff in both sides of my nose!
Parroting the party line, crowing that I’m doing fine,
Tarred and tethered but assured,
I’m not addicted as I’m depicted—I’m
Free as a bird.

The other day on my list was going to a hypnotist*
Who put me right to sleep.
I was counting camels dressed in white flannels
Instead of counting sheep.
She said when she snapped me out of my nap
I wouldn’t have the urge anymore.
Like Edgar Poe’s raven, I’ve still got the cravin’;
My lark will end nevermore. (To REFRAIN)

I feel like the canary in a coal min, very
Expendable for the cause.
Like a bunch of vultures, they come in on our culture,
Pecking around our laws.
I’ve been a turkey, a stoolie for their murky
Motives till I think I’ll die.
Still the door is open; I’m prayin’ and hopin’
I’ll have the courage to fly! (To REFRAIN)

Like a phoenix I’ll be brash as to rise from the ashes
Free as a bird!

(c) 1991, Dan Eumurian, dba Come Thru Music Co., BMI,
on “Censored by a Cigarette” album and songbook. This song is available on my “Censored by a Cigarette” CD, available for $10 elsewhere on this website.

This was one of my songs that Eric Sayward thought would become a hit. He introduces the recording with a two-voice dialogue between “George” and his “wife,” regarding George’s smoking.

Smoking cigarettes seems largely to have been replaced by vaping—or even by good sense—but it’s noteworthy that so many people paid so much money to have their health impacted so negatively for so long!

Speaking of vaping, the last verse of the following song didn’t make it onto the CD or into the songbook, because vaping hadn’t yet become a craze. As with all my songs about substance abuse, I’m not trying to make users or addicts feel bad! I’m trying to empower kids and others to resist the temptation to use and abuse harmful drugs, even though peer pressure and clever advertising would want them to “succumb” to that temptation.

6. My Body
(Tune: “My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean”)

I’m flicking the ash out the window,
I’m flipping the but on the street.
I’m sucking the smoke in my body
And hoping my kids won’t repeat.

REFRAIN
Bring back, bring back,
Oh bring back my body to me, to me.
Bring back, bring back,
Oh bring back my body to me!

My body was feeling quite frisky.
I thought I could conquer the world.
I gave it tobacco and whiskey.
Then I got addicted and hurled!

My body said, “Try marijuana.”
Excited, I told it, “You bet!”
I think there was more to this ballad,
But, duuh, I forget!

My body said, “Let’s try some vaping.”
My buddy said it was the rave.
I didn’t know it would be shaping
Me into a nicotine slave.

(c) 1991, Dan Eumurian, dba Come Thru Music Co., BMI
Last verse (c) 2022, Dan Eumurian, dba Come Thru Music Co., BMI

All but the last verse of this song is available on my “Censored by a Cigarette” CD, available for $10 elsewhere on this website. The wife of a former La Crosse County Health Director once wrote to me, “Thank you for songs with such meaning!”

7. Wipe Up
Lyrics by Dan Eumurian
Music: “Wipe Out,”
by Bob Berryhill, Pat Connolly, Jim Fuller & Ron Wilson,
made famous by the Surfaris in 1963.

I wipe my hands with sanitizer
’Cause it’s healthier and wiser
Than to spread coronavirus,
Says my cleanliness advisor.

I keep lots of social distance
To enhance disease resistance,
Use a mask whenever possible—
I’m learning to be bossable.

I’ll take this time to organize,
Plan ahead and strategize,
And while I wait to work again,
Clean all that’s in sight.

I wipe up floors,
Doors,
Knobs,
Sobs,
Bikes,
Tykes,
Blobs.

8. Nottingham

When I was young, there was a delightful TV series called “The Adventures of Robin Hood” (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Adventures_of_Robin_Hood_[TV_series]). After I started writing antismoking songs, I heard that the British American Tobacco Company had donated money to create the International Centre for Corporate Social Responsibility at Nottingham University. I put two and two together and borrowed the tune from the TV theme song to create my version. I intend no criticism of the original, delightful song.

Nottingham, Nottingham University
International Centre for Corporate Social Responsibility,*
Funded by tobacco, a way of giving back to
Nottingham, Nottingham, Nottingham.

Are they responsible for heart disease and death,
Emphysema sufferers running out of breath,
Cancer of the lung, addiction of the young,
Nottingham, Nottingham, Nottingham.

Robin Hood, Robin Hood runs for Sherwood Forest.
”You can make it, Robin Hood!” cry his friends in chorus.
Too bad he had a smoke.
The sheriff caught the bloke!
Nottingham, Nottingham, Nottingham.

Hoodwinked by the rich,
They’re robbin’ from the poor
at Nottingham, Nottingham, Nottingham.

*I became involved with Essential Action: Global Partnerships for Tobacco Control. Rumor has it that my lyric circulated throughout the UK. Shortly after I wrote my version, I contacted Nottingham University regarding it, but received no reply. As I look on their website today (June 24, 2022) (https://www.nottingham.ac.uk/business/who-we-are/centres-and-institutes/iccsr/index.aspx), I see that they’re doing a lot of good things around the world. I can’t help thinking, though, about my maternal grandfather, who was a smoker and died of heart disease when I was a child; of my friend from Readstown, Wisconsin, a former smoker who was dying of emphysema and had to drag an oxygen tank behind him; of my neighbor who died of smoking in the 1960s, leaving behind a wife and two young sons, and other victims of these products containing nicotine, a chemical that industry leaders once told Congress was not addictive (https://senate.ucsf.edu/tobacco-ceo-statement-to-congress).

9. Crutch Tips

REFRAIN
Just a few tips to use on your crutches,
Common sense and some finishing touches.
Sometimes you need nothing as much as
Just a few tips to use on your crutches.

Spring is a happy time of fresh new air,
But as you’re enjoying it, you’ll want to beware.
The sun will melt snow on the sidewalk in the day,
But at night it may freeze and you may slip away.

If there’s rain or melting snow,
Watch for wet floors as you go.
Wipe the tips until they’re dry;
For water, keep a weather eye.

Snow is something you might handle,
But there is potential scandal.
Here’s the secret, not so nice:
Under snow, there may be ice.

Feet on sidewalks make snow slick;
We on crutches have a trick.
If you can, walk through the yard;
Traction’s better, a fall is less hard.

In a restaurant at a table,
Stow your crutches; go—it’s no fable.
Ask the server to stand them aside,
Or a passer-by may take a slide.

From us crutch walkers to the rest of you:
The cautions we give can help you too.
You don’t need crutches, but someday you might.
Remember, it’s the law—we have rights!

Put signs on wet floors; don’t let litter to the ground fall.
A plastic wrap or paper clip could be our downfall.
Put a rug inside your door with a gripping rubber back.
Respect us, but we’re friendly—and rarely attack.

(c) 1995, Dan Eumurian,
dba Come Thru Music Co., BMI.